When My Child Sleeps Better, I Sleep Better.

When your child sleeps better, you sleep better.

It’s an obvious statement, I know.

Why, then, do many of us allow our children to maintain less-than-ideal sleep habits when sleep struggles negatively impact all of us?

Assess Your Child’s Current Sleep Needs

Before reading any further, I’d like you to ask yourself the following questions:

• How many hours is your child sleeping in a day (including naps)?

• How well does your child sleep at night?

• What does your child’s bedtime routine look like?

Next, ask yourself this question (and really think about the answer):

• What would my life be like if I could solve [fill in the blank with a sleep issue my child currently has]?

Understanding the end goal (i.e., your response to the question above) will help you tremendously in sticking to any changes to your child’s sleep routine.

Habits Are Hard to Change

I know how bad I feel when I don’t get enough sleep.

I’ll never forget the struggle to feel like a normal person in the morning when my children were infants and a lack of sleep was our typical routine.

My kids are older now. But, I will admit: I still allow certain sleep habits in my children that continue to disrupt my sleep.

My 4 year old comes into our bed in the middle of the night to snuggle with me. I probably lose about 30-60 minutes of sleep each night due to this current routine.

My husband and I have discussed strategies to change this nightly routine. But, here’s the deal: I love snuggling with her. I love that she wants to snuggle with me. And, at the same time, I don’t love losing that sleep every night.

For most of us, our child’s sleep issues only become a problem when we view it as a problem. And, as you can tell, I am still in a place where I haven’t fully jumped into the “this is a problem” space about midnight snuggles with my 4-year old.

Problems with sleep don’t just impact nighttime routines; the problems often extend into daytime. Lack of sleep for adults or children lead to all kinds of problems like irritability, difficulty concentrating, and inattention. There is a carryover effect in our children to their mood and behavior during the day that we don’t often realize.

Strategies to Help

Most sleep concerns can be adjusted with simple strategies. The strategies are simple, but the implementation of the strategies can be the real struggle.

Below are several evidence-based suggestions to help your child sleep better.

I also encourage you to bring any and all concerns (and especially larger concerns such as sleep walking, regular nightmares or night terrors, bedwetting or insomnia) to your pediatrician or a psychologist/therapist who specializes in sleep.

Be Aware of How Much Your Child Sleeps

Ask yourself: How much sleep is my child getting every night?

Getting enough sleep leads to improved attention, behavior, learning, memory, emotional regulation, quality of life, mental health and physical health for your child.

How does your child’s amount of sleep compare to expert recommendations?

 Babies (4-12 months): 12-16 hours per day (including naps)

Toddlers (1-2 years): 11-14 hours per day (including naps)

Preschoolers (3-5 years): 10-13 hours per day (including naps)

School Age (6-12 years): 9-12 hours per day

Adolescents (13-18 years): 8-10 hours per day

Source: American Academy of Sleep Medicine

TIPS FOR EVERY DAY BEDTIME AND SLEEP

#1: Set an Earlier Bedtime

Is your child getting enough sleep? If your child is staying up too late, it can have the opposite effect of sleepiness and can lead them to being even more hyped up or energetic at night.  

 To set an appropriate bedtime, start with the time you wake up your child in the morning. Using the chart above, count backwards until you get to an appropriate bedtime. For example, if your 3-year old wakes up at 7am every day, you may want to set the bedtime for 7pm every night. This would put her at 12 hours/night, or in the middle of the recommended range. Adjust the amount of time it based on how well your child feels.

 #2: Bedtime Routine

Create a soothing bedtime routine with your child so s/he knows what to expect every night. This routine primes the brain and body to start slowing down and preparing for sleep. A recommended basic nighttime routine is: brush teeth, books, bed. Giving a warm bath before bed can also be relaxing.

 #3: Reduce Activity Before Bed

For at least an hour before bedtime, keep the activities relaxing. Avoid any electronics (including tv, computer, tablet, phone, video games or music) at least one hour before bedtime.

 #4: Set Expectations for Bedtime and Adhere to Them

Ask: What are my current expectations for bedtime?

After a story & a hug, is your child expected to go to sleep? Or is your current expectation that your child comes out of their room 10 times and you eventually snuggle them to sleep? Your behavior and response to your child’s behavior sets the expectation for what is acceptable for bedtime.

You may be reinforcing unwanted behaviors. If this is true for you, head to the intervention section to find some ideas to help. If things still don’t get better, seek out a psychologist or reach out to your pediatrician for individualized support. You’re not alone. Bedtime is a challenge for lots of families.

 #5: Consider What You Want to Change or Stay the Same

Maybe you love snuggling with your child until they fall asleep at night. If you don’t see it as a problem, it doesn’t have to be a problem. Sometimes we think we need to do certain things with our children in order to be “a good mom.” Many of these thoughts are culturally ingrained and sustained by our own acceptance of them.

 If you realize the sleep habits you have are impacting your child or you negatively, then it’s time to consider making changes. There may be a time in life when you decide you don’t want to fall asleep with your child every night anymore. If that happens, you can make changes. In most cases, making changes are not easy, but are absolutely possible.

INTERVENTIONS WHEN SLEEP IS A STRUGGLE

#1: Bedtime Pass

Start using a bedtime “pass” that your child can use every night if s/he needs to get out of bed one time after your bedtime routine. This is a great intervention to use if your child comes out several times after you say “good night.”

 Create one with your child or find a printable version here. For detailed instructions on how to use a bedtime pass with your child, go here.

#2:  Changing Expectations

Think about the behaviors you are reinforcing with your child. Are you reinforcing their behavior of coming out of their bedroom 20 times a night by responding to them each time? Are you reinforcing your child coming into your bed in the middle of the night (my hand is raised here) by snuggling with them?

Remember: the response (i.e., attention, yelling, giving in after ignoring) you give to your child’s behavior sets the expectation for what is acceptable for bedtime. Create a list of bedtime expectations and then develop a plan for when your child meets expectations or does not. 

#3:  Rewarding Behaviors You Want to See

To change behaviors at bedtime, use positive reinforcement instead of punishment. Research shows the use of positive reinforcement (i.e., rewards including praise, attention for behavior you want to see, stickers, toys, etc.) works better to change behavior than punishment. And reinforcement tends to reduce stress, crying, yelling, and threats—none of which helps anyone.

There are lots of ways to reward behaviors you want in your child. First think about what is reinforcing for your child. Is it an extra snuggle with you? A special snack or treat in the morning? Watching Octonauts or Sesame Street the next day? A high five and praise in the morning? Rewards don’t always have to be tangibles like toys or treats, so think outside the box.

#4:  Involve your child

Discuss changes with your child prior to making the changes. You’re not asking them for permission here, but you are clearly describing the changes to bedtime so they understand. Kids do better when they understand the expectations and the consequences to these expectations. Plus, if you are doing a bedtime pass, designing a soothing bedtime routine, or creating a sticker chart for them, it’s fun to have them involved in the process.

Just Pick One Thing

If you try some of these suggestions and they do not work, remember that not everything works for everyone.

If you feel overwhelmed by the list, start by JUST PICKING ONE new strategy and see how it works.

If you are still struggling with sleep, I recommend seeing a therapist or psychologist who can help you and your child. While many suggestions they provide may be similar to this list, they will be able to individualize your situation and create treatment goals that align with your particular situation. You also may want to check with your child’s pediatrician to rule out any medical issues.

 Good luck, Mama! Remember – your sleep and your child’s sleep are deeply connected.

 For more information on how to positively impact YOUR sleep, go here.  

With love,

Jessica

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